10 Ways to Deal With Caregiver Stress

It’s no secret: Helping to care for a sick or dying loved one exacts a steep emotional toll. One study found that as many as one in three caregivers rate their stress level as high, and half say they have less time to spend with family and friends.

But when you're caring for others, it's critical that you first take care of yourself. By not doing so, you put yourself at risk of exhaustion, health problems and even total burnout.

These 10 tips will help keep your stress in check.

1. Put your physical needs first. Eat nutritious meals. Don't give in to stress-driven urges for sweets or overindulge in alcohol. Get enough shut-eye; if you have trouble sleeping at night, try napping during the day. Schedule regular medical checkups. Find time to exercise, even if it means you have to ask someone else to provide care while you work out. If you experience symptoms of depression — extreme sadness, trouble concentrating, apathy, hopelessness, thoughts about death — talk to a medical professional.

2. Connect with friends. Isolation increases stress. Getting together regularly with friends and relatives can keep negative emotions at bay.

3. Ask for help. Make a list of things you have to do and recruit others to pitch in. Even faraway relatives and friends can manage certain tasks.

4. Call on community resources. Consider asking a geriatric care manager to coordinate all aspects of your loved one's care. Other service providers, including home health aides, homemakers and home repair services, can shoulder some of the many responsibilities of caregiving. Volunteers or staff from faith-based organizations or civic groups might visit, cook or help you with driving.

5. Take a break. You deserve it. Plus, your ailing family member might benefit from someone else's company. Think aboutrespite careby friends, relatives or volunteers. Or try for a weekend or longervacation by turning to a home health agency, nursing home, assistedliving residence or board-and-care home; these facilitiessometimes accept short-term residents. Adult day centers, which usually operate five days a week, provide care in a group setting for older people who need supervision.

6. Deal with your feelings.Bottling up your emotions takes a toll on your psyche — and even onyour physical well-being. Share feelings of frustration with friendsand family.  Seek support from co-workers who are in a similarsituation. Make an appointment with a professional counselor, or join acaregiver support group.

7. Find time to relax. Doing something you enjoy, such as reading, walking or listening to music, can recharge your batteries. Some caregivers meditateor use relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or visualizing apositive place. If you're religious, you might find that prayer can bea powerful tool.

8. Get organized. Simple tools like calendars and to-do lists can help you prioritize your responsibilities. Always tackle the most important tasks first, and don't worry if you can't manage everything.

9. Just say no.Accept the fact that you simply can't do everything! Resist the urge totake on more activities, projects or financial obligations than you canhandle. If someone asks you to do something that will stretch you toothin, explain honestly why you can’t — and don't feel guilty.

10. Stay positive. Do your best to avoid negativity. Hold a family meeting or call an elder care mediatorto resolve conflicts with siblings and other relatives. Instead ofdwelling on what you can't do, pat yourself on the back for how muchyou are doing, and focus on the rewards of caring for someone you love.

Loving an Older Pet

5 ways to make sure your pet stays healthy and happy as he ages

by: Dr. Marty Becker

No doubt about it: Puppies are adorable and kittens are certainly cute. But to me, nothing symbolizes deep, loyal love better than a gray-muzzled dog playing a slowed-down game of fetch or a clouded-eye cat nimbly navigating onto a lap and launching into a purr serenade.

See also: 7 ways to save on pet care.

Older dogs should get veterinary checkups twice a year. — Tamzin Roberts/Getty Images

About 45 million dogs and cats — roughly 25 percent of the pet population — have reached senior status. And as they age, their metabolisms slow down and bone densities decrease. But thanks to advances in veterinary medicine — especially in treating pain and in administering anesthesia — senior pets diagnosed with arthritis, urinary incontinence and even cancer are getting a fighting chance at high-quality lives.

Here are some ways you can make the senior years happy and comfortable for your pet:

• Give 'em a nice place to nap. Older pets spend more time snoozing — up to 16 hours a day. Treat them to cushioned, egg-crate-type padded beds and pet-safe heating elements to soothe their arthritic joints, especially during cold months.

• Don't be fooled by food labels. There is no legal meaning for "senior" formula pet food — it is a marketing term. Instead, work closely with your veterinarian to select food that matches your aging pet's activity level, breed and health condition. For example, some couch-lounging senior dogs need foods high in fiber and low in calorie density to cope with their slowing metabolisms. Some senior cats may be contending with brain changes that lessen their appetite. Re-spark their interest at meal time by warming their food in the microwave for a few seconds to release the aroma and or add salt-free chicken broth to their dry food.

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• Reconsider your pet-proofing. A decade or more ago, you carefully took steps to make your home safe for your curious puppy or kitten. Now, it's time to re-evaluate your home. Place carpet runners down on tile and other smooth surfaces to provide traction and prevent slippage when you older dog or cat get gets up and walks or runs. Keep a night light on to help pets with fuzzy eyesight navigate better and provide geriatric cats with low-level litter boxes on each level of your home for easy access. Position a sturdy ramp to make it easier for them to access your bed or sofa.

• Book twice-a-year senior examinations. In the final stages of life, a lot can happen to a dog or cat in six months and go undetected without regular veterinary care. I advocate super-senior physicals that include head-to-tail exam, blood screen, urinalysis, fecal exam, X-rays and if warranted, an ultrasound. These age-related exams aid your veterinarian in catching conditions possibly at the onset when they can be better treated and often at a financial savings to you.

• Teach an old dog — and an old cat — new tricks. Provide your senior pet with environmental enrichments to make their life more fulfilling. Introduce your old dog to new places to explore to keep his mind active. Tap into the hunter in your aging cat by replacing the food bowl occasionally with a food puzzle. You never want to stop learning and neither do your pets.

When a family member dies (Part 2)

By Alexandra R. English

As a general rule, if a will exists, it must be probated. A will names an executor, who is responsible for administering the decedent's assets and affairs. If the decedent left a trust, the trust names a trustee who is responsible for administering any of the decedent's property owned outside of probate.

If you find either a will or a trust but are not the named executor or trustee, you should immediately contact the named individual(s). The person in possession of the will, even if he or she is not the executor, must present the will to the probate court within six months of the death.

Again, I strongly recommend that you find an attorney to assist you with this process. Kansas law provides that anyone who has possession of the will of a person who dies while legally a resident of Kansas, and who knowingly withholds the will from the probate court, will be liable for attorney's fees, costs, and damages to beneficiaries named in the will.

Let me also use this opportunity to tell you a cautionary tale. A client once came to me because he needed to title his house in his name. The house was originally in his wife's name, and she had died more than 20 years previously. She had written a will stating that her husband was to inherit the house, but the family never probated the will. The taxes came in her name every year and the family paid them. When it came time for them to sell the property, they could not figure out how to sell the house because the spouse did not have title to it.

I had to assist this man in finding a private attorney to open an estate for the deceased wife. As you can imagine, this was a huge expense and an incredible burden for someone trying to sell property. So, if a will exists, see a private attorney and learn whether the will needs to be probated.

If the decedent did not leave a will or a trust, determine whether the decedent transferred his or her assets through alternatives. Was there a Transfer on Death Deed, which would transfer the property upon the decedent's death to one or more named beneficiaries? If so, a death certificate must be provided to the Recorder of Deeds office in the county in which the property is located.

Were you or other family members joint owners of bank accounts, or did the decedent list you as a beneficiary, payable on death? Either way, the money should easily be transferred to the named beneficiaries upon the showing of a death certificate.

How is the car titled? Are you or other relatives listed as joint owners or beneficiaries, transfer on death? If so, the Department of Motor Vehicles can assist you with the transfer of title. If none of the above documents were drawn up and you cannot find a will or a trust, then unfortunately the decedent died "intestate." This means that a probate case must be opened and the Kansas statutes will determine which relatives inherit which property. If this is the case, please contact a private attorney to guide you through the probate process.

It is possible that the decedent owns property in another state. If this is the case, the property may need to go through a separate probate process in the state in which it is located. Consult with an attorney from that state to assist you with this ancillary probate procedure. If such property is owned by a trust in joint tenancy with rights of survivorship, or is transferable upon death (through a Transfer on Death Deed), this procedure is not necessary.

Earlier I briefly mentioned a creditor's role in the probate process. It is important to go through the decedent's mail, bank check registers, income tax returns, safety deposit box, and other personal records to compile a list of all debts and obligations. Do not pay any debts until you have contacted an attorney! An attorney can help compile the list and determine the debt priorities and the validity of the claims.

Even after death, taxes must be paid. The decedent's estate may owe federal and state taxes, so two types of tax returns typically will need to be filed—one for income tax, the other for estate (death) taxes. In some situations, if you are the surviving spouse and are otherwise entitled to file a joint income tax return, you may still file a joint return for the period before the decedent's death. Otherwise the executor or administrator of the estate, or the trustee of the trust, is responsible for filing and paying any estate or death taxes.

Any person who receives property from the decedent's estate may be liable for estate or death taxes owed and not paid by the estate. Ask your attorney for assistance with this process, or at the very least consult an accountant, as the tax laws are changing constantly.

Though many more intricacies are involved, this advice should at least get you started. If you need assistance in finding a private attorney, call the Kansas Bar Association's Lawyer Referral Service, 800-928-3111. Although the prospect of hiring a private attorney may seem expensive, I cannot overstress the importance of completing this process properly. Sometimes the probate courts will not even work with anyone other than an attorney. And remember that the court is not allowed to give you legal advice, so you may find that hiring an attorney is a true necessity. 

Are Your Kids Making You Broke?

Here are 4 ways to break the cycle of feeling like an ATM machine

If your kids — or even your grandchildren — are making you broke, it's important to put an end to excessive financial handouts that could be driving you into debt.

As parents, it's natural to want to help our kids in every way possible. And for many people over 50, that means providing both emotional and financial support to adult children. 

In fact, according to a June 2011 Investor Index survey by TD Ameritrade, not only are Baby Boomer parents willing to come to their children's financial rescue, many parents are also sacrificing their retirement and economic security to do so. A recent AARP studyshows that 49 percent of adults age 46-65 say that they find it difficult to save for retirement.

And since the first Baby Boomers turn 65 this year, the highlights of the TD Ameritrade survey are all-the-more striking. Among the findings: 

• 67 percent of Boomers surveyed say they would feel obligated to financially support their adult children if asked
• 57 percent of those polled said they were willing to support their offspring even if it hurts their own retirement
• 54 percent of Boomers have had adult children live with them for at least three months
• 42 percent of those who did allow adult children to return home said doing so had a negative impact on their finances

So what's to be done?

Experts say a combination of tough love, fiscal discipline and good communication between family members are all required in order to help your children achieve financial independence — and help you salvage a comfortable retirement.

In cases of extreme financial dependence, which can sometimes veer into a financially abusive relationship, it may also be necessary to enlist the assistance of a third party if you need help in cutting the financial apron strings.Start With a Heart-to-Heart TalkAlthough many parents are reluctant to share the details of their financial circumstances with their children, when your kids are taxing your finances, it's a good idea to paint a realistic portrait of your situation. Explain to your children honestly what you can and cannot afford. Often times, children may mistakenly think that you are better off economically than you really are. There's no shame in telling your children that because of a host of reasons — perhaps the downturn in the stock market, the soft real estate market, your own work situation or expenses — you simply don't have a lot of extra cash to give or loan them. By candidly divulging at least some basic information about your own financial standing, your children may be less inclined to lean on you for economic help. "This is something that we deal with all the time and is always a very difficult conversation to have with a parent," says Jonathan Blumenthal, CFP and senior vice president at Peak Capital Investment Services. "However, the fact is, retirement is not a possibility when you are saddled with the expense of having to take care of adult children."Set Reasonable LimitsIf your child does request monetary help, only agree to provide financial support if you can realistically afford to do so without sacrificing your own retirement or seriously impacting your financial health. And if you do say "yes" to helping out a child, be sure to impose reasonable limits and boundaries.

"No parent wants to see their child struggle financially, but assistance should come within reason — and with firm expectations," says said Lule Demmissie, managing director of investment products and retirement at TD Ameritrade. "While food and housing might be reasonable, a data plan for your son's smartphone shouldn't come between you and your retirement." 

Encourage Financial Responsibility

Even if your child relies heavily on you for economic support, you can still try to encourage him or her to be fiscally responsible in some areas. For example, if your child is living at home, charge them a modest amount for rent and food, suggests Jesse Ryan, managing director at Accounting Principals.

"If the parents can afford it, take the money that the child is paying for rent and place it into savings for a 'move out' plan," Ryan adds.

Create a Gradual Transition Plan 

For those who have adult children that have returned to the nest, be polite but firm in making it clear that the current living arrangements are not meant to be permanent. In fact, you should create a gradual transition plan where you both agree that, over time, you will start decreasing the amount of financial support you are providing to your child.

The idea is to do this gradually, "so that it's not so shocking for your children," Ryan says. Similarly, Ryan recommends setting a timeframe of six months to one year or so when the adult child is expected to move out and start living on their own. "By that time they will have a nest egg for expenses and will be used to paying for themselves," says Ryan. 

Helping your child out of an occasional financial pinch can be emotionally rewarding for parents with the financial wherewithal to provide such economic help. But if you're an aging parent struggling with your own considerable bills, it really is necessary to establish proper financial boundaries so that your kids don't wind up driving you into debt.

Lynnette Khalfani-Cox, The Money Coach®